A few of my favorite things

A few of my favorite quotes:

“I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.” -Cameron (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

"All you need to write a song is a vendetta and guilt." - Imani Coppola

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." - Toulouse-Leutrec (Moulin Rouge film 2001)

"A man will always promise more than he can do to a woman he cannot understand." -Philippa Gregory (The White Queen)

Nanowrimo: The Hollow Victory

I finished my 1st Nanowrimo & once the taste of victory finally dissolved in my mouth, the aftertaste of dissatisfication arrived. I like my story. It has potential should I decide to pursue it. The thing is it's all over the place. Once I re-read it, I discovered it's three completely different stories.

The first story consists of a demi-goddess and her husband. The second is an X-men type adventure. The final one is a love story. It is THE most sappiest, tear-jerkiest thing I've ever penned. Where it came from, I will probably never know. My muse is cruel like that.

There's my trouble though. I have three perfectly good stories that stand alone fairly well. Will I go through with them? I don't know. My past history says no. As soon as a story disinterests me, I bail. I leave it trapped within the pages of a long-forgotten notebook on or a flash drive & that's it. Poof. Non-existant.

A few friends have made it their task to push me into trying to get published. With their determination & support and my sense of hopefulness, maybe (just maybe) we'll all see them to fruition.

Talk It Out

I will start this off by saying I'm a Gemini. (And I'm pretty sure I lost most of you here.) I'm HUGE on communication. I run my mouth a mile a minute and am damn good at it. This is not what this post is on though. This post is based on my experiences today. I've been made upset by two people I am very fond of. I won't rehash why they made me upset or the backstory of it all. Just know I'm upset but will get over it quickly.

I wanted to take this time to talk about talking. With all the social websites & blogs out there, it's very easy to forget how to talk to people in person. It's much easier (and less awkward) to just text, tweet or message someone. The problem is you lose inflection. That tweet someone thought was funny, you may take as a insult. Or the Facebook status someone wrote may seem it's directed towards you & make you feel some type of way about it.

That starts unnecessary "drama", problems, and tension. My advice is this: go talk to them if you have a problem. Let me repeat this: GO & TELL THEM!! The next time you have a problem/issue with a particular person, inform them of it.

Meet them at a neutral place (mall, coffee shop, public park) and talk. Hear them out & ask them to hear you out. Be truthful but tactful. Don't come out & curse them out. Don't screech, yell, or turn a deaf ear. Listen & digest what they say. Speak your peace.

After all is said & absorbed, if the friendship/relationship/whatever doesn't or won't work out: Walk away. Wish each other well & move on. Lingering/pining/stewing is going to do nothing for your mental health or psyche. It's going to tie you in a knot & hamper you.

Ill-wishing someone is only going to come back to you three-fold. Bashing them online only makes you look bitter, jealous & childish. It shows your insecurity & that's not a good look for anyone. So do yourself a favor: GO & TELL THEM!

---I do what I want

Wants vs Needs

I did some serious soul searching and thinking and came to the conclusion about the SITUATION: I cannot marry/be with him. I sat & discussed with close friends and it just doesn't seem like a good idea. While I may WANT to be with him, my heart can't take our whirlwind relationship. We laugh, we cry, we argue, we hurt each other. I know that's how relationships are supposed to work. The thing is when you're the only one crying/arguing/pleading, it gets real old real quick. I love him without question. I probably always will love him. It's time to put him away in the past and let him stay there. Should we meet again in the future and work out our problems for good, I'd be with him without a doubt. Seeing as he hasn't changed and I've changed too much, I sincerely doubt us.

I've told him about my decision to take him out my love life. His response: "Damn your determination makes me want you more." How am I supposed to move on when that's the same cockiness that got me?! The best I can do is ignore him and take the time to take care of me.

Tumblr

So at the beginning of this month, I started a Tumblr account for a 365-photo experiment. I'll be the 1st to say, I've never really been comfortable with myself. I've just made peace with my nose and Goddess knows I love/hate my shape. By participating in this, I've decided this will be my way to come to terms with myself. I may not be model-material but I'm damned cute with great eyes and lips. So, the account is basically a letter to me reminding myself that I'm a beautiful person. It may sound a bit vain but frankly we all need a self-esteem boost every once in a while. Tumblr: 365 Corsette

Always something...

I swear if it's not one thing, it's a damn other. I had a car accident back in March that wrecked the back of my car from reversing out of my driveway. I was almost side-swiped this morning again reversing out. So I reversed up my driveway this evening so my nose could be facing out when I left in the morning. Turns out, that's not the smart thing to do when you're tired & sick. I managed to tear my passenger side mirror off on my fence. So now my car is even worse off than before. FML.

What the Heart Wants

So, this post has been about 3 weeks in the making. A former ex (read: Love of my life) came for a visit 3 weeks ago to visit family. I had known about the trip since July when I had went to visit him and I had been on the fence about it. I knew how I was with him. I still love him and still want to be with him. The problem was want vs. what's correct. I want him. Just him and everything to do with him. I've said he would be the only man I married and have kids for. He resonates on my heart chakra. I digress though...

So, he came for a visit. It was like he never left. I slid back in with his family seamlessly and he slid back into my arms just as easily. We rented a hotel room and blocked the world out. It was me & he just as it always had been. I fell back in love. I proposed & he accepted. Then, he immediately tried to change the terms. He was willing to give me a ring and a reception but not the actual marriage license. He said marriage did not fit his life plan yet he repeatedly called me his future wife in front of his family.

After I sat and thought on it, I realized I didn't want the piece of paper. As long as he & I are on the same page and respect each other, we can do this. The only reasoning for wanting a wedding is to justify to family why I was moving so far and "for a man." As a Wiccan, we have something called a (Handfasting)." It's basically a pledge saying that we will be together as long as the love will last. That's all I ask for. If we both feel like the relationship is going south, separate. Admit defeat and spare your dignity.

He wants me to move with him. (He lives in a different state. It's a 3 hour trip back to my family's house.) I am willing to move to be with him. There is nothing pressing to stay here for: I have no true career, my family is moving, and I need a change anyway. If we would live in Jersey, I probably would be less tied up over this. I would be more secure in a fall-back plan should things have gone downhill. I would still have family and friends to fall back on. The fact that I have a fall-back plan is the part that is upsetting me. It's like I know in my heart that I will need/have to execute a retreat eventually.

Many people close to me in my life have chimed in on this and the consensus is: don't do it. Everything from "You're crazy" to "You're throwing your life away for some ex-idiot" has been tossed at me. My heart is screaming at me to go to him and begin our new life. But there is a piece of me that is quietly whispering wait & see. I want to see if he will make the effort to want me as I want him. It has always been me holding on in the past. I need to see if he changed as much as he says he has. I have grown too old and jaded for sweet nothings to work. While I do love him and wish to be with him, I will cut my own heart out and turn away if I have to save myself. If he's not willing to try then why should I?

I have always given him 120%. Don't I deserve 100% at the very least?

Writing & Music

Writing has always been (and always will be) a special thing for me. It's been there when I was at my lowest and when I've been at my peak. It has always been tied with music & I can honestly say that I've never written without music in the background. They've gone hand in hand: a perfect marriage. Writing & music have been my sole solace in a world that quickly has been crumbling down around my ears. Without them, I wouldn't have a reason for breathing.


---I do what I want

Peaceful

Lately I've been very peaceful. Despite outside stresses, I've been remarkably calm. My core has become an oasis for me and appreciate it. The more I put my life in order, the more peace I receive. I know this sounds like common sense to many but for me, it's a new discovery. Before, I just heard that & didn't believe it worked. Now, seeing it in action and reaping the rewards is putting it in a new light for me. My life is ever evolving.

Rant

(This a rant. If I don't get this out, I'm going to blow a gasket. You've been warned.)

I feel like I'm going crazy. I have way too many bills and not enough money coming in. While I hate my day job, it is the only thing keeping me from poverty. Yes I live at home at the moment but if I lost my job, I would spiral down into debt that would take me 15 years to dig out of & repair. While everything is looking bleak, I am trying to hold on for as long as I can. The end is far from near and I am not as done & out as I assumed. I can make it through this if I just hold the line.

Last Action Hero

So for the last 2 weeks, I've been exercising more than ever. It's mainly push ups and treadmill work. After I while I realized, I was only focusing on upper body strength and running. It occurred to me that I was getting in shape for a zombie invasion/Apocalypse. I was working on running faster than everyone else & being able to boost myself up and over stuff. And apparently I'm not the only person doing this. I remembered a trip a friend took me on to the Catskills & we were discussing him stockpiling his medicine & his escape plan to the mountains. Then later that night, I was watching a Patton Oswalt special and he said the same thing about going off his meds to survive the collapse of society. Everyone is preparing for some type of crisis and I'm just glad to be on board. Now for me to go stockpile food, water, & batteries.

Just a token, a trifle really..

No time for a long blog. Too busy w/ everything going on, so a quick update:

1. Vegas next week!!

2. Still shuffling & editing the novel :)

3. Thinking A LOT about certain things through & reexamining a ton of others.

4. Just living life!


---I do what I want

Happy Birthday to Me

On the eve of my 24th birthday, I find myself re-examining myself. What have I accomplished? What have I failed at? What are my new goals? What do I have planned for my future? I sat and wrote each question down on a piece of paper and answered each question quickly and without thinking. After leaving the paper alone for 10 minutes, I came back and read them. The answers surprised me yet felt familiar. I realized that while time is slipping away, it isn't over yet. I keep telling myself that I'm too old or it's too late for me try something. THAT is where the failure is. I wrote myself off too quickly and completely. I am making a vow to stop holding myself back. If I want to do something, then I will. I will take that class, go on that trip, or try that new dish. No doubts, no regrets.

I'm Not Okay

I am ridiculously unhappy. I have been putting up a front for the last few weeks and it's taking it's hold on me. My body is rebelling from it and frankly my mind is too. I've been distancing myself from my loved ones because I feel that I can't talk to them without being judged. While I do know they love me, I just feel that they would frown upon my unhappiness. I just think this is just a bout of depression held over from my father's birthday & anniversary of his passing.

I am just tired of having to explain & repeat myself. I am who I am. I love who I love. Do not look a gift horse in the mouth. I believe that is the main problem. I keep being questioned and that is taking its toll on me. It's slowly chipping away at the base of me. I hate my every action to be interrogated and to have to have a motive behind every action. I do things just because. It may feel right. It may feel good. It may just need to get done.

Insomnic Ramblings Pt 2.

Sitting in bed
It's 2 am & I'm scarfing black cherry jello
Typing on aim & Twitter
Trying to shove down the insomnia that's got it's hold on me
The stuffy room is comforting in it's dark warmth
Stresses are tapping at the window
And I check to make sure the lock is safe
Music blasting in my ears while peaceful silence engulfs the house
Quiet expectations are dawning for the morrow
And I chomp at the bit to fly from the gate
Life may not be perfect or grand
But I got my health & love


---I do what I want

Blank Stare

So much & nothing at all has happened within the past month. I'm pretty much in a state of limbo trying to pick what I'm going to do next. I'm still writing the story & currently compiling/editing erotica for my ebook.

Twitter Mosiac

This made me giggle. I have the best followers. Besos!

Get your twitter mosaic here.