Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What the Heart Wants

So, this post has been about 3 weeks in the making. A former ex (read: Love of my life) came for a visit 3 weeks ago to visit family. I had known about the trip since July when I had went to visit him and I had been on the fence about it. I knew how I was with him. I still love him and still want to be with him. The problem was want vs. what's correct. I want him. Just him and everything to do with him. I've said he would be the only man I married and have kids for. He resonates on my heart chakra. I digress though...

So, he came for a visit. It was like he never left. I slid back in with his family seamlessly and he slid back into my arms just as easily. We rented a hotel room and blocked the world out. It was me & he just as it always had been. I fell back in love. I proposed & he accepted. Then, he immediately tried to change the terms. He was willing to give me a ring and a reception but not the actual marriage license. He said marriage did not fit his life plan yet he repeatedly called me his future wife in front of his family.
After I sat and thought on it, I realized I didn't want the piece of paper. As long as he & I are on the same page and respect each other, we can do this. The only reasoning for wanting a wedding is to justify to family why I was moving so far and "for a man." As a Wiccan, we have something called a (Handfasting)." It's basically a pledge saying that we will be together as long as the love will last. That's all I ask for. If we both feel like the relationship is going south, separate. Admit defeat and spare your dignity.

He wants me to move with him. (He lives in a different state. It's a 3 hour trip back to my family's house.) I am willing to move to be with him. There is nothing pressing to stay here for: I have no true career, my family is moving, and I need a change anyway. If we would live in Jersey, I probably would be less tied up over this. I would be more secure in a fall-back plan should things have gone downhill. I would still have family and friends to fall back on. The fact that I have a fall-back plan is the part that is upsetting me. It's like I know in my heart that I will need/have to execute a retreat eventually.

Many people close to me in my life have chimed in on this and the consensus is: don't do it. Everything from "You're crazy" to "You're throwing your life away for some ex-idiot" has been tossed at me. My heart is screaming at me to go to him and begin our new life. But there is a piece of me that is quietly whispering wait & see. I want to see if he will make the effort to want me as I want him. It has always been me holding on in the past. I need to see if he changed as much as he says he has. I have grown too old and jaded for sweet nothings to work. While I do love him and wish to be with him, I will cut my own heart out and turn away if I have to save myself. If he's not willing to try then why should I?
I have always given him 120%. Don't I deserve 100% at the very least?