Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Wishful Thinking?

Lately for some reason, I've been having dreams of the Hispanic man (mentioned in the previous blog). We're engaged & I'm delirously happy. I will go on record right now to say that I will not get married. Ever. If by some freak accident I find myself married, one of two things have happened: 1. He got me pregnant & I feel obligated to stay or 2. I'm drugged & please call the cops. With that said, these dreams frighten me a bit. I never had dreams of the big white wedding or naming my children before I hit puberty. Now my dreams are all marriage & infants. WTF?! Maybe my mind is slowly telling to grow up & start looking to settle down. Or I could stop taking my sleeping pills & fall asleep naturally.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Down here in Hell

I woke up this morning with tears on my face. All I could remember of the dream was that I ran into my ex & he wanted me back. I ran from him. Wouldn't let him touch my face. I was holding an infant as I ran. I don't think she was mine but it felt right that I was holding her, so she might have been. He ran after us & I cried as I ran. A tall, Spanish man stepped between us & knocked my ex down. Then I woke up. Face was soaked with tears. How could I miss him after all that happened between. This treacherous fucking heart is my enemy. It pines for him constantly hoping he comes back while my mind is glad he's gone & can cause me no more heartache. But maybe I'm wrong. What if I'm not over him & I'm just fooling myself? What if my mind is tricking me into thinking I'm ok & my heart knows the truth? I just want peace of heart. I tried to make our relationship work & we failed. My heart should've moved on. I'm never going to find anything meaningful if I'm unconsciously blocking myself from people. It hurts that he can still occasionally cause so much damage to my heart despite me not seeing or hearing from him for almost 6 months. I doubt that he even remembers me & here I am craving his touch & crying for his return. What a sad mess I am.