Friday, December 11, 2009

Lost in Emotion

This week began in major turmoil. I was angry, hurt, confused and overall wiped mentally. Feelin particularly bitchy, I was home Monday watching ABC's 25 days of Xmas. A dear friend of mine called my phone & for once I picked up not screening the call. He needed a ride to choir rehearsal and wanted to know if I could take him. Telling him I would call him back, I hung up and forgot about him. I was angry & wanted to stay home & eat homemade sugar cookies.

An hour later, he was calling me back and asking if I was going to take him. Feeling guilty, I agreed & packed a few cookies for the road. During the 30 minute ride to the church, we talked and caught up on the other's life. He expressed how glad he was that I agreed and how he always kept me in his prayers. I felt saddened because I've ignored him for about a month now. I didn't anzwert his texts and I screened his calls for some unknown reason. Arriving at the quaint little church, I took my seat in the last pew as the members of he choir made their way up to the pulpit. I pulled out my notebook and tried to work on a story that was giving me trouble. Then they began singing. I've always been a sucker for hymns. They're just beautifully written, and when sang correctly, they're gorgeous.

I sat my notebook down and for the next two hours, I sat and listened to the beauty bouncing acapella around me. The turmoil in me slowly uncoiled and I found myself relaxing slightly. Towards the end of the rehearsal, the young pastor asked me to come forward. He looked me in the eye and asked could he pray for me. Normally, I hate when people ty to pray for me because they see my being Wiccan as being a "heathen". Getting ready to say no thank you, I looked at him and his wife. Looking into his and his wife's eyes, I could see the concern & love in their eyes. So, I agreed interested in what he would say in the prayer.

They circled and held hands with me standing in the middle. He prayed that I find peace and that the troubled look in my eyes (which I assumed I hid well since my own family members didn't realize I was upset) would fade. Tears stung my eyes as I realized he meant it. He didn't falter over the words or say them by rote. They came from a sincere place in his heart.

This man & wife who didn't even know my name were praying to their God for me and meant every single inch of it. The genuinity of it was my undoing. I bawled like a hurt child in front of this choir and clung to my friend's hand as the prayer ended. The pastor motioned me over and said quietly to me: "There are people in your life right now who are trying to kill your spirit. They will be dead to you in your heart by year's end. They don't respect your choices and hamper you. You have to leave them. Kick them out."

Staring at him, I got angry again. He was fishing! Surely he was. How dare he think to generalize me with countless others who he probably gave the same speech! Then he said "The two C's in your life are conflicting you. They are the same but are not. They pull you in separate directions along the same path." He then hugged me & walked away.

I frowned because the two C's in my life were surely pulling me. They both dragged me towards love & are both Scorpios but they both led me down two slippery slopes. Heading home, I listener to my friend chatter and invite me to attend church Sunday. I accepted the offer and lost myself in my musings.

Everything he said had been true. Dwelling on his words, I eventually deleted 32 people out of my cell phone & social networks. I simply sent them a text saying that I would no longer be talkin to them anymore. And that was that. Gone. Erased. Forgotten.

I haven't felt that peaceful in months. My motto has always been "I do what I want" or "Jai Guru Deva Om" (taken from the Beatles song 'Across the Universe'. It's chanted with "nothing's gonna change my world".)

I need to get back to those. I've lost my focus worrying about everyone else & their problems. Next year is MY year. I will worry about me and my own. Dissenters and naysayers need not apply.

---I do what I want

"I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind
I'll change my life-I'll make a vow
And nothing's gonna stop me now"

I am changing- Dreamgirls Soundtrack

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Slinky, Long & Loose

Every so often, I feel like a Goddess. As a Wiccan, we are told that the Goddess is apart of you so yeah, that's plausible. It's more than that though. I feel like my legs are miles long and my hips are wonderfully full and curvy. My hair is perfectly curly and my eyes are mesmerizing. I just feel perfect and whole. Whenever this feeling takes over me, I follow it to the end of the line. I ride this feeling til the wheels fall off. Because for a short time, I feel like I am more than enough and I am a superhero. My walk becomes slinkier and my especially high heels get dusted off and dragged out my closet for special attention. I go further out of the way to spread this feeling to other people and pass it on. (Sort of like the wave!) This feeling couldn't have come at a better time with the busy week I have coming up. Perfect timing is wonderful.

"I remember lying in bed one night and the words, 'I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman', kept going over and over in my head. That part I consider to be divinely inspired. I had been chosen to get a message across." - Helen Reddy