Rant

(This a rant. If I don't get this out, I'm going to blow a gasket. You've been warned.)

I feel like I'm going crazy. I have way too many bills and not enough money coming in. While I hate my day job, it is the only thing keeping me from poverty. Yes I live at home at the moment but if I lost my job, I would spiral down into debt that would take me 15 years to dig out of & repair. While everything is looking bleak, I am trying to hold on for as long as I can. The end is far from near and I am not as done & out as I assumed. I can make it through this if I just hold the line.

Last Action Hero

So for the last 2 weeks, I've been exercising more than ever. It's mainly push ups and treadmill work. After I while I realized, I was only focusing on upper body strength and running. It occurred to me that I was getting in shape for a zombie invasion/Apocalypse. I was working on running faster than everyone else & being able to boost myself up and over stuff. And apparently I'm not the only person doing this. I remembered a trip a friend took me on to the Catskills & we were discussing him stockpiling his medicine & his escape plan to the mountains. Then later that night, I was watching a Patton Oswalt special and he said the same thing about going off his meds to survive the collapse of society. Everyone is preparing for some type of crisis and I'm just glad to be on board. Now for me to go stockpile food, water, & batteries.

Just a token, a trifle really..

No time for a long blog. Too busy w/ everything going on, so a quick update:

1. Vegas next week!!

2. Still shuffling & editing the novel :)

3. Thinking A LOT about certain things through & reexamining a ton of others.

4. Just living life!


---I do what I want

Happy Birthday to Me

On the eve of my 24th birthday, I find myself re-examining myself. What have I accomplished? What have I failed at? What are my new goals? What do I have planned for my future? I sat and wrote each question down on a piece of paper and answered each question quickly and without thinking. After leaving the paper alone for 10 minutes, I came back and read them. The answers surprised me yet felt familiar. I realized that while time is slipping away, it isn't over yet. I keep telling myself that I'm too old or it's too late for me try something. THAT is where the failure is. I wrote myself off too quickly and completely. I am making a vow to stop holding myself back. If I want to do something, then I will. I will take that class, go on that trip, or try that new dish. No doubts, no regrets.

I'm Not Okay

I am ridiculously unhappy. I have been putting up a front for the last few weeks and it's taking it's hold on me. My body is rebelling from it and frankly my mind is too. I've been distancing myself from my loved ones because I feel that I can't talk to them without being judged. While I do know they love me, I just feel that they would frown upon my unhappiness. I just think this is just a bout of depression held over from my father's birthday & anniversary of his passing.

I am just tired of having to explain & repeat myself. I am who I am. I love who I love. Do not look a gift horse in the mouth. I believe that is the main problem. I keep being questioned and that is taking its toll on me. It's slowly chipping away at the base of me. I hate my every action to be interrogated and to have to have a motive behind every action. I do things just because. It may feel right. It may feel good. It may just need to get done.

Insomnic Ramblings Pt 2.

Sitting in bed
It's 2 am & I'm scarfing black cherry jello
Typing on aim & Twitter
Trying to shove down the insomnia that's got it's hold on me
The stuffy room is comforting in it's dark warmth
Stresses are tapping at the window
And I check to make sure the lock is safe
Music blasting in my ears while peaceful silence engulfs the house
Quiet expectations are dawning for the morrow
And I chomp at the bit to fly from the gate
Life may not be perfect or grand
But I got my health & love


---I do what I want

Blank Stare

So much & nothing at all has happened within the past month. I'm pretty much in a state of limbo trying to pick what I'm going to do next. I'm still writing the story & currently compiling/editing erotica for my ebook.