Lost in Emotion

This week began in major turmoil. I was angry, hurt, confused and overall wiped mentally. Feelin particularly bitchy, I was home Monday watching ABC's 25 days of Xmas. A dear friend of mine called my phone & for once I picked up not screening the call. He needed a ride to choir rehearsal and wanted to know if I could take him. Telling him I would call him back, I hung up and forgot about him. I was angry & wanted to stay home & eat homemade sugar cookies.

An hour later, he was calling me back and asking if I was going to take him. Feeling guilty, I agreed & packed a few cookies for the road. During the 30 minute ride to the church, we talked and caught up on the other's life. He expressed how glad he was that I agreed and how he always kept me in his prayers. I felt saddened because I've ignored him for about a month now. I didn't anzwert his texts and I screened his calls for some unknown reason. Arriving at the quaint little church, I took my seat in the last pew as the members of he choir made their way up to the pulpit. I pulled out my notebook and tried to work on a story that was giving me trouble. Then they began singing. I've always been a sucker for hymns. They're just beautifully written, and when sang correctly, they're gorgeous.

I sat my notebook down and for the next two hours, I sat and listened to the beauty bouncing acapella around me. The turmoil in me slowly uncoiled and I found myself relaxing slightly. Towards the end of the rehearsal, the young pastor asked me to come forward. He looked me in the eye and asked could he pray for me. Normally, I hate when people ty to pray for me because they see my being Wiccan as being a "heathen". Getting ready to say no thank you, I looked at him and his wife. Looking into his and his wife's eyes, I could see the concern & love in their eyes. So, I agreed interested in what he would say in the prayer.

They circled and held hands with me standing in the middle. He prayed that I find peace and that the troubled look in my eyes (which I assumed I hid well since my own family members didn't realize I was upset) would fade. Tears stung my eyes as I realized he meant it. He didn't falter over the words or say them by rote. They came from a sincere place in his heart.

This man & wife who didn't even know my name were praying to their God for me and meant every single inch of it. The genuinity of it was my undoing. I bawled like a hurt child in front of this choir and clung to my friend's hand as the prayer ended. The pastor motioned me over and said quietly to me: "There are people in your life right now who are trying to kill your spirit. They will be dead to you in your heart by year's end. They don't respect your choices and hamper you. You have to leave them. Kick them out."

Staring at him, I got angry again. He was fishing! Surely he was. How dare he think to generalize me with countless others who he probably gave the same speech! Then he said "The two C's in your life are conflicting you. They are the same but are not. They pull you in separate directions along the same path." He then hugged me & walked away.

I frowned because the two C's in my life were surely pulling me. They both dragged me towards love & are both Scorpios but they both led me down two slippery slopes. Heading home, I listener to my friend chatter and invite me to attend church Sunday. I accepted the offer and lost myself in my musings.

Everything he said had been true. Dwelling on his words, I eventually deleted 32 people out of my cell phone & social networks. I simply sent them a text saying that I would no longer be talkin to them anymore. And that was that. Gone. Erased. Forgotten.

I haven't felt that peaceful in months. My motto has always been "I do what I want" or "Jai Guru Deva Om" (taken from the Beatles song 'Across the Universe'. It's chanted with "nothing's gonna change my world".)

I need to get back to those. I've lost my focus worrying about everyone else & their problems. Next year is MY year. I will worry about me and my own. Dissenters and naysayers need not apply.

---I do what I want

-----------------------------------------
"I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind
I'll change my life-I'll make a vow
And nothing's gonna stop me now"

I am changing- Dreamgirls Soundtrack

Slinky, Long & Loose

Every so often, I feel like a Goddess. As a Wiccan, we are told that the Goddess is apart of you so yeah, that's plausible. It's more than that though. I feel like my legs are miles long and my hips are wonderfully full and curvy. My hair is perfectly curly and my eyes are mesmerizing. I just feel perfect and whole. Whenever this feeling takes over me, I follow it to the end of the line. I ride this feeling til the wheels fall off. Because for a short time, I feel like I am more than enough and I am a superhero. My walk becomes slinkier and my especially high heels get dusted off and dragged out my closet for special attention. I go further out of the way to spread this feeling to other people and pass it on. (Sort of like the wave!) This feeling couldn't have come at a better time with the busy week I have coming up. Perfect timing is wonderful.
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"I remember lying in bed one night and the words, 'I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman', kept going over and over in my head. That part I consider to be divinely inspired. I had been chosen to get a message across." - Helen Reddy

Caught Up in the Rapture

I've been enveloped in deep feelings of love lately. Between my Muse & my boyfriend, I've felt drowned in love. All of poems & short stories have been steeped in love and splashed liberally with lust. Words drip with honey and warmth which is leading me down a fairly new path. I've never really took the time to write erotica but I may be looking into it a bit more deeper than before.


---I do what I want

Deer in the headlights

So, I've committed this year to do Nanowrimo. For those of you that don't know about Nanowrimo: you have to write 50,000 words in 30 days. It's to help writers get that push to start or finish a novel. My goal was to write 2500 words a day. I have 2900 to date. Safe to say, I'm behind schedule. This weekend I plan to become a hermit and hole up at home with my laptop. Hopefully by Monday morning, I will have 20,000 words. That would put me exactly on schedule & not in this stagnant mire.

Speaking of stagnant, all of these planning for my business is dragging my enthusiasm down. As a Gemini, we are fickle creatures. We pick up and drop stuff in a moment's notice. As usual, the less "fun" something gets, the less I want to do it. Luckily, a few relatives have taken up my banner & are refusing to let me quit. (Love you guys.) All of this stagnant energy is making me cranky.

Which brings me to my last subject: crankiness. I have never experienced crankiness really. Let me tell you: it sucks. I actually growled at someone in a Dunkin Donuts line. (sorry, sir.) I'm sure this is a phase but boy does it suck...


---I do what I want

Visions of Sugared Pasties Dancing in my Head

Burlesque, burlesque, burlesque! That's all I've been able to think about for the last two weeks. I've always been a fan of it but lately it's kicked into overdrive. I've been consuming vast amounts of info and photos on it. (well gorging practically..) So as a result, I signed up for a burlesque class in NYC. While I have no plans of EVER performing professionally, I would like to dabble in it and play around with it.

Same Old Song & Dance

As usual, I panicked about my career choices. I really need to stop with this madness. Every so often when things are getting good with a career path I've chosen, I get to the urge to re-evaluate all my past choices. I need to cut it out. Seriously. I'm qualified & certified in 3 different fields yet have only worked in each one for about 3 months (save image consulting- 4 years). I may just go back to image consulting. It was very fulfilling & exciting.

With a little help from my friends...

So, I had a semi-crisis which was averted with the help of some close friends. After hashing it out & several intense journal entries, I realized I'm happy. And not just "meh, I'm ok" but "YES! I AM ALIVE!!" happy. I have a great boyfriend, my career prospects are picking up & an AMAZING support system. I will not allow people from my past to put doubt in my heart and strangle the roots I'm currently growing. To him: Our time has past & you need to get over me. You had your chance & you effed me over time & time again. When I finally move on, you try to come back. No. Not this time. The love I have for you is dead.

Moving to happier thoughts, my friends are amazing. My October is pretty much booked between birthday parties, baby showers, & traveling. It's shaping up to be pretty epic. :)

Blargh

I have insomnia & since I can't sleep you are all subjected to my ramblings. I've been having a fairly bad week considering my car was broken into & my gps/cash was stolen, I'm having trouble with my muse, & I'm having doubts about my business. The only thing that seems to be helping is music/dancing & chanting Rupert's name. I'm in a rut namely & I need to break out of it. I've got 3 options: 1. Sign up for the pinup class I've been drooling over 2. Go for a weekend vacation 3. Go shopping. All involve a slightly hefty price but I can swing it without even glancing at my savings next week. I may even go for all 3. Why not be a big spender?

Also something that's been tickling me lately: burlesque class. While I will probably never have the chutzpah to perform in public, it'll be fun giving my alter ego her head.

---I do what I want

Just a Friend?

So today was just a really crummy day for me. It started & revolved around an ex of mine. He sent me a text after no contact for 8 months after a huge falling out with me & his girlfriend. So naturally I read him the riot act & waited for his response. He apologized & stated that he wished to be friends again. I told him I honestly didn't know how I felt about that & needed time to think. While at one point I did love him (or thought I did at any rate), I am still bitter about how he ended our friendship. He was, to borrow a phrase: "my very good best friend." He was the one person I turned to when things got bad or I needed to talk something out. Now when I need to turn to someone, I have Rupert. His place in my life has been replaced. I am still friends with all my exes but this one. Can I still be friends with him knowing how he abandoned me the first time? Do I even want to try to be friends? I'm not going to ruin my current relationship for an ex who now needs a friendly face. But should I try to help if I can? Confusing but my soft heart is sad.

---I do what I want

Crafts & Rats

I've finally finished all of the recipes for my cosmetic line. It will consist of lotions, lip balms, and perfumes. Now all I have to do is finish the packaging & pick a logo to start official production. It will be listed on Etsy.com & will available for purchase November 1st or sooner.

In other news, I've been researching the benefits of becoming an SG (suicide girl). The one thing that's tripping me up is being nude. While I usually have no qualms about being nude, I can't qualify being nude FOREVER on the interwebs. I'm
Very conservative with my family & I'm probably already pushing it with my tattoos & piercings. We'll see what happens after I mull it over.

People are not as happy for me as they should be. One former (& I do mean former) "friend" has confronted me on being in a relationship. Let me state for the record, that I haven't been in a serious relationship for 2 years. Yeah I dated & played around but never tried to settle down. Now that i'm trying to make one work, a lot of you "friends" are bitching about it. If you don't like it, fuck off. My happiness is not yours and I have supported you all even when you've been beaten, cheated on, & abandoned. So support or deal. That's your decision.

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"So good, so good, so good
I know you hate it but I'm
So good, so good, so good"

-So Good by Destiny's Child


---I do what I want

Wake up, suddenly...

So, I woke up this morning next to my boyfriend (completely puts a smile on my face to say that.) & I felt so at peace. The guilt I had last night was exorcised as we talked and my heart felt 10 pounds lighter. Before in relationships, I was always Wonder Woman: I cooked, I cleaned, I gave constant.. ahem "healing". I tried to be basically whatever they wanted or needed me to be. Obviously, that couldn't last long & those relationships failed. So with this new chapter in my life, I am happy to start on the correct foot. I know what I expect & want from this as does he. For once, I will not have to be Wonder Woman. Just Corsette. That alone is invaluable to me. He makes me laugh til I have to pee, think til I go hide & secretly google the subject to learn more, and smile til it feels like my face is going to split. I may not be the easiest person to fall in love with but once you're there, I try my damndest to keep you there. Rupert, you mean more to me than you can ever know. Besos, babe.

Drawing a blank...

So, I had this really witty blog thought out but I couldn't seem to type it out. I've finally finished my business plan and will start posting & packaging mid-October. I'm ridiculously happy that I didn't lose Rupert as I feared. Thanks to a really good friend, I realized that I had practically been dating him for the last 6 months & refused to acknowledge it. By refusing to acknowledge it, I was harming myself & setting myself up for failure. Thankfully, he gave me a second try. (besos, babe). So, we'll see how if goes with that. I have nothing else to say, so... Fin.


-I do what I want
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"Darling Angel,
Somebody sent me you,
And I feel alright,
Can't forget how i feel tonight,
You're mine,
You're right on time."
-Just when I needed you by Roberta Flack

Damn..Damn..Damn!!

My Iphone screen is a shattered, prickly mess. In my rush to actually get into my office on time for once, I juggled it with my purse and dropped it. Of course it dropped on its corner, which resulted in the most epic spiderweb crack I've ever seen. Now, I am panicked. It feels like I beat my girlfriend and we are sitting in the hospital waiting room. I will have to go to Apple dragging my tail between my legs and throw myself on their cruel mercy. My emotions have ran from anxious to nauseous to despair over this phone. This wonderful piece of technology who I treated like a revered lover is now broken from my abusive neglect. Hopefully, this will cost less than $300. Damn it, baby, I'm sorry. If I could go back in time, I'd put you in your usual perch in my bra. My bosom misses you. *sob*

Finish what you started

With the coming of Autumn, I find myself waiting for classes to start. For once in my life, I will see something through or die trying. I've finished my papers for my business and just have to send them in again. I also need to find a graphic designer to make a logo for my company. I've also been noticing a quick growth in my life regarding finances. Now, everyone who knows me knows that I like to make it rain not worrying about the drought that would follow afterwards. After balancing my checkbook for the 1st time ever, I've discovered I managed to squirrel away over $1000 somehow. Now the old me, would've immediately went & bought the leather motorcycle jacket & Louboutins I've been wishing for. The new me has placed it in a CD. Now that money is gone for 12 months & I am slightly ecstatic. Apparently instant gratification isn't instant. H-uh... Go figure.



---I do what I want

Ball of Confusion

Well, lately I have been actively trying to date. I've been willingly flirting with strangers and answering texts from flirts. I know basically what I want but I really don't want to pursue it. I would love to be in a stable relationship but I don't want to give up my illusion of freedom. I like the option of traveling at a moment's notice and not have to pander to a significant other on why I want to travel alone. On the other hand, I crave having that person love you and supporting you. It's a beautiful feeling but it's very blinding all in one. Maybe I'm being a chickenshit. Or maybe I'm being reasonably cautious. Who knows?


---I do what I want


---I do what I want

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

The news. Ah, the news. I have never really cared for it. As a Gemini, that is a travesty. We like being up-to-date and being in the know. I have never liked it. I find it often tedious & depressing and would rather spend my time reading something enjoyable. But I find myself not being able to explain why I am not abreast of current events. There's no excuse really. As a tax-paying American, I should know what's going and why. I completely missed Obama's BeerFest and the whole Wisest Latina thing. So to remedy my ignorance, I will now attempt to catch up on the year by reading all the articles from January up. Drastic? Maybe. Necessary? Definitely. Ignorance is not bliss in this case.

Chakra Locked

So, lately I've been preoccupied. I've been worrying about my job, money, possessions, & career path. I've been bogging myself down with things that don't matter and as a result my chakra has rebelled. I'm probably two incidents from compromising my whole chakra. As it stands, my root, heart, & crown chakras are fried. My solar plexus will probably be next. I just don't know what I want. I have no career path, no pressing needs, & no journey. There is nothing I need to do. I sit at a crossroads and have no compass. There is no voice whispering in my ear suggesting a direction. The winds of change no longer blow me away. This, my friends, is the crux of my problem. I am out of sync with the universe. I can no longer feel the dance of time or share in the blessings of the The Mother. I stand outside looking in. I have wants that disguise themselves as needs. I have no use for them but they batter at my senses. I cling to them because they are the last things I know in my swiftly changing world. I know money. I know possessions. I know greed frankly. Maybe I'm out of sync because I'm transitioning. I feel that as soon as I'm back in sync, I'll be a whole new me. There's a changing in my stars. Time to make it for the better.
---I do what I want

Cracking the whip

My muse has been cracking the whip on me with an alarming rate. He
shoves & pushes while I stubbornly dig my heels into the ground. I
want to write what he's telling me but I can't release it from pen to
paper. It like writing with a stick on a lake surface. I'm too tired
or stressed to write. Hell, I can't even write in my journal. There's
too much going on in my life & mind to find a channel for it all.
There's so many stories & plots fighting for their chance to get told.
I don't think I enough mental space or sanity to share them all.

Book Review

I have just finished The Bitten by L.A. Banks. It's book 4 of the Vampire Huntress series. I believe quite simply that it was beautifully written book. It kept and held my attention from beginning to end. I had Minion (book 1) for over a year before finally reading it. Something was stopping me from starting the series. As I got into it, I realized that I was feeling a lot like the main character at the time: hurt, upset, & losing that 1st love. So it makes sense while I veered from it mentally.
But I digress, I feel this is the best book in the series so far. The other books are going to have to work very, very hard to beat the pace of this book. It had everything: action, terror, suspense & passion. Just all in all, a beautiful read. Thank you, L.A. Banks!

A Poem

Usually I don't share my poems because I'm terrified of critism. It's the one place I retreat to when things get to tough for me. I have the urge to post this though because, well, it feels like an exorcism. So read it, absorb it, & be gentle with it.

In Love With H.I.M.

When it first started
All was young, fresh, & new
You had my heart &
I had yours
We took on the world with every breath
Our love never faltered & never
Dropped us

I only had eyes for you
Every beat of my heart was for you
Every kiss was a declaration
Every hug a celebration
My blood pumped with your strength

But like every fairy tale
We reached the end
I cried & screamed my pain to the sky
But you never stopped to listen
Yeah you did me wrong
But I inflicted hurt on you too
Give & take was all we ever were

Looking back I see where I went wrong
& where you fucked up
Even through the pain
I see the love that had grown &
Taken root
The greatest gift you gave was the ability for me
To realize that I had a whole lot of
Love to give & receive

Loving H.I.M. was a hard lesson to learn
But I stare at that diploma
& hope to get my masters.

Wishful Thinking?

Lately for some reason, I've been having dreams of the Hispanic man (mentioned in the previous blog). We're engaged & I'm delirously happy. I will go on record right now to say that I will not get married. Ever. If by some freak accident I find myself married, one of two things have happened: 1. He got me pregnant & I feel obligated to stay or 2. I'm drugged & please call the cops. With that said, these dreams frighten me a bit. I never had dreams of the big white wedding or naming my children before I hit puberty. Now my dreams are all marriage & infants. WTF?! Maybe my mind is slowly telling to grow up & start looking to settle down. Or I could stop taking my sleeping pills & fall asleep naturally.

Down here in Hell

I woke up this morning with tears on my face. All I could remember of the dream was that I ran into my ex & he wanted me back. I ran from him. Wouldn't let him touch my face. I was holding an infant as I ran. I don't think she was mine but it felt right that I was holding her, so she might have been. He ran after us & I cried as I ran. A tall, Spanish man stepped between us & knocked my ex down. Then I woke up. Face was soaked with tears. How could I miss him after all that happened between. This treacherous fucking heart is my enemy. It pines for him constantly hoping he comes back while my mind is glad he's gone & can cause me no more heartache. But maybe I'm wrong. What if I'm not over him & I'm just fooling myself? What if my mind is tricking me into thinking I'm ok & my heart knows the truth? I just want peace of heart. I tried to make our relationship work & we failed. My heart should've moved on. I'm never going to find anything meaningful if I'm unconsciously blocking myself from people. It hurts that he can still occasionally cause so much damage to my heart despite me not seeing or hearing from him for almost 6 months. I doubt that he even remembers me & here I am craving his touch & crying for his return. What a sad mess I am.

Fleet Week!!

So, this morning I woke up from a particularly super steamy dream about a Marine to discover that it is Fleet Week. For those of you as unfamiliar with Fleet Week as I was, it basically boils down to thousands of Navy & Marine soldiers running around New York for a week. (Basically "On the Town" starting Gene Kelly & Frank Sinatra.) This made me want to immediately ditch work & head to NYC to lure unsuspecting Marines to my den of sin. But since I'm responsible (read: lame), I went to work & daydreamed about Marines in Dress Whites with Colgate smiles. I envy every woman in NYC right now. Marines: you always have a place in my arms. Oorah!



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"New York! New York!
It's a hell of a town!"

Running for the Hills

I'm ready to escape my job. Like ASAP! It's just boiling down to alot of BS, lies, & all around aggravation. The employees aren't happy, so they don't want to be productive. Frankly, I can't blame them since I've been feeling the same but for longer. I've been tossing out resumes & going on interviews but everything is running into either dead ends or spam emails. I want to say I'm feeling frustrated with the search but really I'm not. This whole situation is just forcing me to look into working for myself. I really hate the idea of having to trudge to work & work at a job where I'm not happy nor comfortable there. I just feel this is all just rushing forward into a whole new ballgame for me. Working on the business plan and have made an appointment with an accountant to go over the financial projections for startup & running costs. A favorite co-worker of mine chatted with me today & reminded me to work patiently. My usual M.O. is plot & pounce. I spend maybe about 1-2 months on an idea & then try to execute it which ends in me losing interest immediately. My new goal is to learn patience. After all, patience is a virtue...

A Mahogany Moment

Where am I running to? That is the question I keep asking myself. As I make my way through life, I realize I have no direction. All of my close friends have jobs in the field they went to school for. They are happy with those jobs & look forward to going to them everyday. I, on the other hand, has never finished college, hates my job, & play the "what do I want to be when I grow up" game frequently. I have 9 months worth of fashion merch schooling, a certification in wedding planning, & a ton if on the job experience on how to run 2 types of retail stores. My most reasonable option it seems is to be an entrepreneur. But I don't want to just jump into anything. I would like for it to be something I care about & want to succeed in. Maybe I should chase the wedding planner dream. It would be hard at first but I find that the most comfortable fit. While I would love to chase the photographer theme, that can only remain a very cherished hobby. (I refuse to sully it with my fickleness & failure.) So, I will attempt to chase the planner dream & see what becomes of it. I just want to feel as if I found my calling instead of slogging through jobs & things that I do just to get by. This Gemini is tired of riding the winds. Time to find some stable ground & build a steady nest.

Update

Well, been a while since the last post. So a quick update:

1. Found a dress for Dee's formal
2. All bills paid up (w00t!)
3. Still job hunting
4. Finishing up school registry
5. Sore in the heart but much, much wiser

All in all, a pretty boring weekend but I'm gearing up for my vacation in two weeks so right now: the possibilities are endless ;


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Song of the day

I will love you any way
Even if you cannot stay
I think you are the one for me
Here is where you ought to be

-Sweet Thing by Rufus

An Ode To Tea

I have a tea obsession. It really is should be an unhealthy one but since tea has health benefits, I've come out on top. I drink somewhere between 15-20 cups per day. Yes, some of you may think that's a tad too much but when I eventually will be able to morph like Mystique due to all the antioxidants I have consumed, your identity will be the first I will assume. Now to continue with this love affair, I have written it two poems.



A very poor haiku:

Ah Beautiful Tea
Such a great wake me up drink
Gets me out of bed

A Cinquain:

Tea
Little Leaves
Sweet, Crisp, Tasty
My daily breakfast drink
Perfection


A horribly scary pic of me with my first morning cup (please note the bleary look in the eyes):

New Kid on the Block

Well, after much jumping around and looking, I've seemed to have settled on here. I finally woke up yesterday due to some friends' help. I have not been myself lately. I've been letting insignificant things clutter my life. So, I've decided to let it all go and concentrate on what I want to do most. I will focus more on the business I want to create and the hobbies I let go to. I also want to get a new camera to start photography again. Maybe even take some Photoshop lessons... Who knows?