Wants vs Needs

I did some serious soul searching and thinking and came to the conclusion about the SITUATION: I cannot marry/be with him. I sat & discussed with close friends and it just doesn't seem like a good idea. While I may WANT to be with him, my heart can't take our whirlwind relationship. We laugh, we cry, we argue, we hurt each other. I know that's how relationships are supposed to work. The thing is when you're the only one crying/arguing/pleading, it gets real old real quick. I love him without question. I probably always will love him. It's time to put him away in the past and let him stay there. Should we meet again in the future and work out our problems for good, I'd be with him without a doubt. Seeing as he hasn't changed and I've changed too much, I sincerely doubt us.

I've told him about my decision to take him out my love life. His response: "Damn your determination makes me want you more." How am I supposed to move on when that's the same cockiness that got me?! The best I can do is ignore him and take the time to take care of me.

What the Heart Wants

So, this post has been about 3 weeks in the making. A former ex (read: Love of my life) came for a visit 3 weeks ago to visit family. I had known about the trip since July when I had went to visit him and I had been on the fence about it. I knew how I was with him. I still love him and still want to be with him. The problem was want vs. what's correct. I want him. Just him and everything to do with him. I've said he would be the only man I married and have kids for. He resonates on my heart chakra. I digress though...

So, he came for a visit. It was like he never left. I slid back in with his family seamlessly and he slid back into my arms just as easily. We rented a hotel room and blocked the world out. It was me & he just as it always had been. I fell back in love. I proposed & he accepted. Then, he immediately tried to change the terms. He was willing to give me a ring and a reception but not the actual marriage license. He said marriage did not fit his life plan yet he repeatedly called me his future wife in front of his family.

After I sat and thought on it, I realized I didn't want the piece of paper. As long as he & I are on the same page and respect each other, we can do this. The only reasoning for wanting a wedding is to justify to family why I was moving so far and "for a man." As a Wiccan, we have something called a (Handfasting)." It's basically a pledge saying that we will be together as long as the love will last. That's all I ask for. If we both feel like the relationship is going south, separate. Admit defeat and spare your dignity.

He wants me to move with him. (He lives in a different state. It's a 3 hour trip back to my family's house.) I am willing to move to be with him. There is nothing pressing to stay here for: I have no true career, my family is moving, and I need a change anyway. If we would live in Jersey, I probably would be less tied up over this. I would be more secure in a fall-back plan should things have gone downhill. I would still have family and friends to fall back on. The fact that I have a fall-back plan is the part that is upsetting me. It's like I know in my heart that I will need/have to execute a retreat eventually.

Many people close to me in my life have chimed in on this and the consensus is: don't do it. Everything from "You're crazy" to "You're throwing your life away for some ex-idiot" has been tossed at me. My heart is screaming at me to go to him and begin our new life. But there is a piece of me that is quietly whispering wait & see. I want to see if he will make the effort to want me as I want him. It has always been me holding on in the past. I need to see if he changed as much as he says he has. I have grown too old and jaded for sweet nothings to work. While I do love him and wish to be with him, I will cut my own heart out and turn away if I have to save myself. If he's not willing to try then why should I?

I have always given him 120%. Don't I deserve 100% at the very least?

With a little help from my friends...

So, I had a semi-crisis which was averted with the help of some close friends. After hashing it out & several intense journal entries, I realized I'm happy. And not just "meh, I'm ok" but "YES! I AM ALIVE!!" happy. I have a great boyfriend, my career prospects are picking up & an AMAZING support system. I will not allow people from my past to put doubt in my heart and strangle the roots I'm currently growing. To him: Our time has past & you need to get over me. You had your chance & you effed me over time & time again. When I finally move on, you try to come back. No. Not this time. The love I have for you is dead.

Moving to happier thoughts, my friends are amazing. My October is pretty much booked between birthday parties, baby showers, & traveling. It's shaping up to be pretty epic. :)

Down here in Hell

I woke up this morning with tears on my face. All I could remember of the dream was that I ran into my ex & he wanted me back. I ran from him. Wouldn't let him touch my face. I was holding an infant as I ran. I don't think she was mine but it felt right that I was holding her, so she might have been. He ran after us & I cried as I ran. A tall, Spanish man stepped between us & knocked my ex down. Then I woke up. Face was soaked with tears. How could I miss him after all that happened between. This treacherous fucking heart is my enemy. It pines for him constantly hoping he comes back while my mind is glad he's gone & can cause me no more heartache. But maybe I'm wrong. What if I'm not over him & I'm just fooling myself? What if my mind is tricking me into thinking I'm ok & my heart knows the truth? I just want peace of heart. I tried to make our relationship work & we failed. My heart should've moved on. I'm never going to find anything meaningful if I'm unconsciously blocking myself from people. It hurts that he can still occasionally cause so much damage to my heart despite me not seeing or hearing from him for almost 6 months. I doubt that he even remembers me & here I am craving his touch & crying for his return. What a sad mess I am.