Tumblr

So at the beginning of this month, I started a Tumblr account for a 365-photo experiment. I'll be the 1st to say, I've never really been comfortable with myself. I've just made peace with my nose and Goddess knows I love/hate my shape. By participating in this, I've decided this will be my way to come to terms with myself. I may not be model-material but I'm damned cute with great eyes and lips. So, the account is basically a letter to me reminding myself that I'm a beautiful person. It may sound a bit vain but frankly we all need a self-esteem boost every once in a while. Tumblr: 365 Corsette

Always something...

I swear if it's not one thing, it's a damn other. I had a car accident back in March that wrecked the back of my car from reversing out of my driveway. I was almost side-swiped this morning again reversing out. So I reversed up my driveway this evening so my nose could be facing out when I left in the morning. Turns out, that's not the smart thing to do when you're tired & sick. I managed to tear my passenger side mirror off on my fence. So now my car is even worse off than before. FML.

What the Heart Wants

So, this post has been about 3 weeks in the making. A former ex (read: Love of my life) came for a visit 3 weeks ago to visit family. I had known about the trip since July when I had went to visit him and I had been on the fence about it. I knew how I was with him. I still love him and still want to be with him. The problem was want vs. what's correct. I want him. Just him and everything to do with him. I've said he would be the only man I married and have kids for. He resonates on my heart chakra. I digress though...

So, he came for a visit. It was like he never left. I slid back in with his family seamlessly and he slid back into my arms just as easily. We rented a hotel room and blocked the world out. It was me & he just as it always had been. I fell back in love. I proposed & he accepted. Then, he immediately tried to change the terms. He was willing to give me a ring and a reception but not the actual marriage license. He said marriage did not fit his life plan yet he repeatedly called me his future wife in front of his family.

After I sat and thought on it, I realized I didn't want the piece of paper. As long as he & I are on the same page and respect each other, we can do this. The only reasoning for wanting a wedding is to justify to family why I was moving so far and "for a man." As a Wiccan, we have something called a (Handfasting)." It's basically a pledge saying that we will be together as long as the love will last. That's all I ask for. If we both feel like the relationship is going south, separate. Admit defeat and spare your dignity.

He wants me to move with him. (He lives in a different state. It's a 3 hour trip back to my family's house.) I am willing to move to be with him. There is nothing pressing to stay here for: I have no true career, my family is moving, and I need a change anyway. If we would live in Jersey, I probably would be less tied up over this. I would be more secure in a fall-back plan should things have gone downhill. I would still have family and friends to fall back on. The fact that I have a fall-back plan is the part that is upsetting me. It's like I know in my heart that I will need/have to execute a retreat eventually.

Many people close to me in my life have chimed in on this and the consensus is: don't do it. Everything from "You're crazy" to "You're throwing your life away for some ex-idiot" has been tossed at me. My heart is screaming at me to go to him and begin our new life. But there is a piece of me that is quietly whispering wait & see. I want to see if he will make the effort to want me as I want him. It has always been me holding on in the past. I need to see if he changed as much as he says he has. I have grown too old and jaded for sweet nothings to work. While I do love him and wish to be with him, I will cut my own heart out and turn away if I have to save myself. If he's not willing to try then why should I?

I have always given him 120%. Don't I deserve 100% at the very least?

Writing & Music

Writing has always been (and always will be) a special thing for me. It's been there when I was at my lowest and when I've been at my peak. It has always been tied with music & I can honestly say that I've never written without music in the background. They've gone hand in hand: a perfect marriage. Writing & music have been my sole solace in a world that quickly has been crumbling down around my ears. Without them, I wouldn't have a reason for breathing.


---I do what I want

Peaceful

Lately I've been very peaceful. Despite outside stresses, I've been remarkably calm. My core has become an oasis for me and appreciate it. The more I put my life in order, the more peace I receive. I know this sounds like common sense to many but for me, it's a new discovery. Before, I just heard that & didn't believe it worked. Now, seeing it in action and reaping the rewards is putting it in a new light for me. My life is ever evolving.

Rant

(This a rant. If I don't get this out, I'm going to blow a gasket. You've been warned.)

I feel like I'm going crazy. I have way too many bills and not enough money coming in. While I hate my day job, it is the only thing keeping me from poverty. Yes I live at home at the moment but if I lost my job, I would spiral down into debt that would take me 15 years to dig out of & repair. While everything is looking bleak, I am trying to hold on for as long as I can. The end is far from near and I am not as done & out as I assumed. I can make it through this if I just hold the line.

Last Action Hero

So for the last 2 weeks, I've been exercising more than ever. It's mainly push ups and treadmill work. After I while I realized, I was only focusing on upper body strength and running. It occurred to me that I was getting in shape for a zombie invasion/Apocalypse. I was working on running faster than everyone else & being able to boost myself up and over stuff. And apparently I'm not the only person doing this. I remembered a trip a friend took me on to the Catskills & we were discussing him stockpiling his medicine & his escape plan to the mountains. Then later that night, I was watching a Patton Oswalt special and he said the same thing about going off his meds to survive the collapse of society. Everyone is preparing for some type of crisis and I'm just glad to be on board. Now for me to go stockpile food, water, & batteries.