Mini Rant- Writing

This story is killing me! As soon as it settles me in one direction, it changes horses in midstream and gallops off in a different direction. I'm soooo frustrated and amazed at the same time. My Muse has declared all out war on me and is punishing me for being afraid of him. I cannot run from my Muse. He knows it & has yanked my leash.

Preparation is Everything

But action is the catalyst. I am in SUCH a great place mentally, career-wise and physically. I have my plan. I know what I'm going to do and why I'm doing it. I've organized my plans and by the grace of the Gods they are falling into place. I just feel so so blessed to be able to finally have a path. Me! With a clear plan & passion to execute it! *runs squealing with happiness*

I have not been lit this bright from within in forever. I just feel that everything maybe (just maybe) falling into position. I'm just going to ride this wave til it crests and catch another one. La vida bueno es suerte.

---I do what I want

Brave New Girl

These last few weeks have been a true eye-opener for me. I've been depressed, distraught, exhausted, and etc. I've questioned myself & my actions despite that I already had made concrete plans for my near future. For once in my life, I could not hinge my emotions on a significant other or relative. I had to answer to myself and make decisions solely for me.

I could make a decision and know that it only affected/benefitted me directly. I could be selfish and reckless and not care about the outcome. The experience has put me at a crossroads. For too long, I've fussed and complained because my actions benefitted me and not others.

I've sacrificed my sanity and dignity for my SOs but no longer. I will enjoy you while you are with me. I will cherish our times together but I will not put your feelings first. I gave you a heart to take care of and you have not treated it well. I will now care for it.

If I see fit, you will slowly get pieces of it back. If not, then we shall part ways.

On a new topic, I've made the decision to travel more. I continue to say how I will go places but never follow through. This will stop. I'm doing nothing but hampering my dreams by doing this. I start with Las Vegas in July and London in September. It's time I put my money where my mouth is.

Speaking of money, I've decided to make my certification work for me. I will devote as much spare time as I can into building up my wedding consulting business. It's time to stop running and grow up. I want a house, a family, and security. I WILL GET IT.

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"never green growin up but fadin never
this is what Id love to gain
free at last
free from all the pain and sorrow
never feel the hurt again"

Never stop- Brand New Heavies

I enjoy being a girl...

Sometimes. I timed my actual girl ritual today and it clocked in at a whopping hour and twenty minutes. That's including: shampoo/deep condition, shaving, depilitory, facial mask, shower, exfoiliation and moisturizing. I am now the bearer of what may be the most silkiest, smoothest body in 15 miles.

While I enjoy being able to toss on a dress and heels, the point of getting there is insanely time consuming. In light of this, I grin and bare this because dammit I look hot afterwards.

---I do what I want

Misdirection

So much has been going on that I feel like my frequency is off. Instead of a deep, calm bell, I'm getting the high pitched whine of a turbine. I've finally started my perfume business on Etsy (http://mercurypotions.etsy.com). I got my ABC bridal consultant renewal form & I'm waffling on whether or not I should try that again. My job is the same quagmire it's always been & frankly it's getting harder and harder for me to get up the energy to go every morning.

I yearn for so much more but lack the direction to get it. I see the goal but the path is lost. It's time I swallowed my own medicine and get my life together. I will make a list of my goals and see which ones to cut out and which ones to renew. I truly need to figure out what I want to do with my life. All this tossing & switching is not good my health, sanity nor soul.

Heartsick

I lay here with my heart in pieces
Tears fill my eyes as The Beatles & Elton John sing my song about crossing the universe
I can't explain why I weep when nothing is outwardly wrong
So I know that something lies horrible in my heart
Each slow, hot tear is tugged from my soul
Cleansing & burning it clean
Each whimpered sob frees the trapped cry lodged in my throat
Melancholy describes my aura
While injured is my spirit
To heal, one must diagnose the problem
However finding the problem is half the battle
I do not know what brought on this trial by fire
But its purity is remarkable in its intensity


---I do what I want

Love is a battlefield

I am selfish. I have no problem in saying that. I do not want children nor marriage for those reasons. I know that while I could handle the day-to-day operation of being a mom, I do not have that level of commitment in me at the moment and I doubt I ever will. However, motherhood is not what inspired this blog today. Love did.

I am currently in what I consider an ideal relationship: we each have separate lives, I love him completely, I'm happy when I'm around him, & he makes me laugh. On paper, we are complete opposites: he's a Giants fan, I'm a cowboys fan. He's a ninja, I'm a pirate. On & on I could go about us but opposites attract. Our relationship is living proof.

Lately though, he has felt the need to repeatedly ask me if we should break up. It's actually become a longterm joke that we renew our relationship every week like a contract. He states that I'm "uninterested". I must admit, I am getting to that point. I just feel that there is nothing more I can do to prove that I am invested in him.

He complains that I pay no attention to him. I do my best to sit next to him and pay attention to him when we are out. I rarely leave his side and he usually receives my undivided attention. I cannot drape and fawn all over him. That has never been me nor ever will be. I will not make him the center of my world. He may become the Mercury to my Sun, but he will never be my Sun. I think he knows that and it chafes him a bit.

I do not see him and I lasting very long if this pace continues. We are both very self-centered people and despite our attempts to assimilate and balance a relationship, we are just too different and the same. Each will give no quarter and yet demand everything.

I merely ask that I am met a quarter of the way. I will bend the other three-quarters to compensate for my personality. I have bent as far as I can. If I concede anymore, I'll be gone. That I can't abide.

---I do what I want

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"I want your love and I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance."

-Bad Romance by Lady GaGa