Book Review

I have just finished The Bitten by L.A. Banks. It's book 4 of the Vampire Huntress series. I believe quite simply that it was beautifully written book. It kept and held my attention from beginning to end. I had Minion (book 1) for over a year before finally reading it. Something was stopping me from starting the series. As I got into it, I realized that I was feeling a lot like the main character at the time: hurt, upset, & losing that 1st love. So it makes sense while I veered from it mentally.
But I digress, I feel this is the best book in the series so far. The other books are going to have to work very, very hard to beat the pace of this book. It had everything: action, terror, suspense & passion. Just all in all, a beautiful read. Thank you, L.A. Banks!

A Poem

Usually I don't share my poems because I'm terrified of critism. It's the one place I retreat to when things get to tough for me. I have the urge to post this though because, well, it feels like an exorcism. So read it, absorb it, & be gentle with it.

In Love With H.I.M.

When it first started
All was young, fresh, & new
You had my heart &
I had yours
We took on the world with every breath
Our love never faltered & never
Dropped us

I only had eyes for you
Every beat of my heart was for you
Every kiss was a declaration
Every hug a celebration
My blood pumped with your strength

But like every fairy tale
We reached the end
I cried & screamed my pain to the sky
But you never stopped to listen
Yeah you did me wrong
But I inflicted hurt on you too
Give & take was all we ever were

Looking back I see where I went wrong
& where you fucked up
Even through the pain
I see the love that had grown &
Taken root
The greatest gift you gave was the ability for me
To realize that I had a whole lot of
Love to give & receive

Loving H.I.M. was a hard lesson to learn
But I stare at that diploma
& hope to get my masters.

Wishful Thinking?

Lately for some reason, I've been having dreams of the Hispanic man (mentioned in the previous blog). We're engaged & I'm delirously happy. I will go on record right now to say that I will not get married. Ever. If by some freak accident I find myself married, one of two things have happened: 1. He got me pregnant & I feel obligated to stay or 2. I'm drugged & please call the cops. With that said, these dreams frighten me a bit. I never had dreams of the big white wedding or naming my children before I hit puberty. Now my dreams are all marriage & infants. WTF?! Maybe my mind is slowly telling to grow up & start looking to settle down. Or I could stop taking my sleeping pills & fall asleep naturally.

Down here in Hell

I woke up this morning with tears on my face. All I could remember of the dream was that I ran into my ex & he wanted me back. I ran from him. Wouldn't let him touch my face. I was holding an infant as I ran. I don't think she was mine but it felt right that I was holding her, so she might have been. He ran after us & I cried as I ran. A tall, Spanish man stepped between us & knocked my ex down. Then I woke up. Face was soaked with tears. How could I miss him after all that happened between. This treacherous fucking heart is my enemy. It pines for him constantly hoping he comes back while my mind is glad he's gone & can cause me no more heartache. But maybe I'm wrong. What if I'm not over him & I'm just fooling myself? What if my mind is tricking me into thinking I'm ok & my heart knows the truth? I just want peace of heart. I tried to make our relationship work & we failed. My heart should've moved on. I'm never going to find anything meaningful if I'm unconsciously blocking myself from people. It hurts that he can still occasionally cause so much damage to my heart despite me not seeing or hearing from him for almost 6 months. I doubt that he even remembers me & here I am craving his touch & crying for his return. What a sad mess I am.

Fleet Week!!

So, this morning I woke up from a particularly super steamy dream about a Marine to discover that it is Fleet Week. For those of you as unfamiliar with Fleet Week as I was, it basically boils down to thousands of Navy & Marine soldiers running around New York for a week. (Basically "On the Town" starting Gene Kelly & Frank Sinatra.) This made me want to immediately ditch work & head to NYC to lure unsuspecting Marines to my den of sin. But since I'm responsible (read: lame), I went to work & daydreamed about Marines in Dress Whites with Colgate smiles. I envy every woman in NYC right now. Marines: you always have a place in my arms. Oorah!



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"New York! New York!
It's a hell of a town!"

Running for the Hills

I'm ready to escape my job. Like ASAP! It's just boiling down to alot of BS, lies, & all around aggravation. The employees aren't happy, so they don't want to be productive. Frankly, I can't blame them since I've been feeling the same but for longer. I've been tossing out resumes & going on interviews but everything is running into either dead ends or spam emails. I want to say I'm feeling frustrated with the search but really I'm not. This whole situation is just forcing me to look into working for myself. I really hate the idea of having to trudge to work & work at a job where I'm not happy nor comfortable there. I just feel this is all just rushing forward into a whole new ballgame for me. Working on the business plan and have made an appointment with an accountant to go over the financial projections for startup & running costs. A favorite co-worker of mine chatted with me today & reminded me to work patiently. My usual M.O. is plot & pounce. I spend maybe about 1-2 months on an idea & then try to execute it which ends in me losing interest immediately. My new goal is to learn patience. After all, patience is a virtue...

A Mahogany Moment

Where am I running to? That is the question I keep asking myself. As I make my way through life, I realize I have no direction. All of my close friends have jobs in the field they went to school for. They are happy with those jobs & look forward to going to them everyday. I, on the other hand, has never finished college, hates my job, & play the "what do I want to be when I grow up" game frequently. I have 9 months worth of fashion merch schooling, a certification in wedding planning, & a ton if on the job experience on how to run 2 types of retail stores. My most reasonable option it seems is to be an entrepreneur. But I don't want to just jump into anything. I would like for it to be something I care about & want to succeed in. Maybe I should chase the wedding planner dream. It would be hard at first but I find that the most comfortable fit. While I would love to chase the photographer theme, that can only remain a very cherished hobby. (I refuse to sully it with my fickleness & failure.) So, I will attempt to chase the planner dream & see what becomes of it. I just want to feel as if I found my calling instead of slogging through jobs & things that I do just to get by. This Gemini is tired of riding the winds. Time to find some stable ground & build a steady nest.